You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
