The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
