Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
