not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize