Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
