She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Randomize