fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
