just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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