She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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