Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
