I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
