roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
