Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
