Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
