i just wanna soil my oats bro
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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