So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
