Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
