Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
