cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
