u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
