I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
