If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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