I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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