dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Randomize
