So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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