Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just had sex on a roof
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
