Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
