WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize