Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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