sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize