If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
