My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
