I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
