Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
