After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
