The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
