We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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