how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
