I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
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