I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
