I wish my penis had an off switch
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
