I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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