I hate your face
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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