just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
