I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
