I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
