I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
