I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
