Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
