U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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