plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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