I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
