don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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