Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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