We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
