Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
