He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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