If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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