I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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