Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
