I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
