i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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