In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Shame is for Republicans.
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