On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize