Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
